Okay, it's been a while. In fact, were there any "regular" readers already, they would have noticed two things, and probably neither has happened into anyone's mind.
1. I nearly took down this blog. Instead, I hid all of the posts for the last couple of months. So there was just a skeleton - a blank page with a title and profile on it. And now it's suddenly back.
2. It's been two months since my last post. Surely, anyone who might have conceivably following this would have already given up on me, right?
At any rate, things have been up and down and all around. Several paradigms have been in control of life, including a period of what might be called "normal". We're back to abnormal again (if it's "back", does that mean it's actually normal?).
There are many, many reasons I paused, and I doubt they'll ever be public for the most part. Briefly... I don't want this to control my life as well. Call me selfish, I am a bit. But I'm earnest. Also, my sister wasn't ready for this [blog]. I don't know that anyone could ever
be ready, but I suppose that's life in general (this is just life in concentrate). Plenty of other thoughts and reasons and whatnot.
And I don't know where to begin again. Giving a summary would take forever to do any justice to the story (stories?). Where I'm at right now is this: switching is frustrating. Call me ridiculous for saying that, but there you have it. Of course it's ridiculously frustrating, that's just a step away from calling the sky, blue. My sister appears, or maybe appears, or someone does a good job of pretending, and then someone else doesn't, or doesn't even try...
Our phone bill... I don't even know where to begin with that one. Where do I draw a line? I fear it will be a selfish one. I don't want to be selfish and yet, I do. I want to protect myself and draw all these lines. And there you have that. I'm selfish, more than I anticipated being possible. I thought I was all "you before me" selfless, but I see lines now. I earnestly do put her well-being above my own, in philosphy, and you may know if you've dealt with such things that there are plenty of opportunities to do this. But when I get by myself, when I'm isolated, I get selfish. I want to protect myself. That's not life, but it is my human-reality.
And I fear being honest with her because SO MANY, in fact, pretty much all of her Others don't get it, and can twist things and warp them to their own "satisfaction". And I don't even know who I'm telling, or if they'll share the information or what good it might do, because everything is so messed up, well, hopefully your head is starting to swim and you sort-of "get" what I'm saying, here.
I think THAT is the great tragedy, or at least what I'm identifying as the tragedy, today. That we did lose our relationship. I tell her we haven't lost it, really. And I guess what I mean is that we haven't lost each other. Her greatest fear, she keeps saying, is losing the relationship, or her greatest aggravation is that it's lost (one of my great aggravations is hearing the same messages, such as this one, over and over and over and over, many times from each personality, so I've heard it all a bajillion times already). But we have lost our ability to be totally honest. We used to be that way - honest to a fault. But the fault is so much greater now. And I'm still honest, but definitely not totally honest. I hope she can understand why, but sometimes I doubt she can, or chooses not to.
So, much to say, but not much said. Isn't that life, anyway?
